Saturday, November 12, 2011

Sad, Jaded, or Tired?

I feel this way all. the. time.

I feel the need to smile, be cheerful, GET THINGS DONE.
Be productive, be a good mother, be a good person.

Go through life with a smile that means
I OWN the pink hair I wear.
Who ever heard of a sad person with pink hair?

Yet I am very alone.
I have my son and my husband.
I have sweet comments on my blog.
But I'm really lonesome.

I write this because I can't be the only one
who wears a mask
and feels sick with silent tears.

I can't be the only one who works at life, 
marking off one experience at a time,
chronicling it,
then realizing, I'm doing it wrong.

Wrong to some, that is.
Be my friend, my family.
But let me live, and if you see sadness,

Why is she sad?
Does she need my hug?
My caring?
A minute of understanding?

Just please....
don't eat the apple.


Lori Anderson creates jewelry for her web site, Lori Anderson Designs, and wrote the blog An Artist's Year Off.  She's also a contributor to Art Bead Scene and is the creator of the Bead Soup Blog Party.


  1. Oh Lori, I know exactly what you mean. This image expresses things perfectly. What can I say that will make a difference? If you're anything like me the only voice that can make a difference is the one that comes from within and some days it can be so harsh.

    Hang on to the good days.

    (...psssst... you are not alone. You've also got all of us, invisible as we are) xxx

  2. hey gorgeous, I feel this way all the time too...but that smile has a place and it has to be used {even tho' inside I feel I am screaming at life} because that smile has a make someone else happy, someone who has the same feelings as you and I but seeing a smile at any one moment might just be the moment that things fall into place for them.

    I am smiling with you Lori, through the sadness and the lonliness...I understand it ;o)


    hello gorgeous xxx

  3. Hey Miss Lori, i feel the exact same way...i spend many, many hours alone with too uch time to sit a think... and the older Jack gets the more alone i am...i have my Nala Bear now & she has helped but i am still a very lonely person & feel sad most of the time...sometime no matter how things look on the outside...they can be very different in our hearts...just know that you are very much loved by our blog family & i know for me one of the main reasons is your honesty with sharing your feelings...helping others to know they are not alone...
    take care ttfn Lana xoxo

  4. Oh my yes, I know exactly how you feel. I am all alone with only my cats now. Have to keep up that courageous face for everyone at work. Have to be cheerful to people when some days all you want to do is weep continually. Yes I know what it is like.
    Here's a virtual (((((HUG)))) from me to you.

  5. I understand that you feel very alone, but as others have said so eloquently, you have all of us. You know you can call me any time and I'll be there for you.


  6. Hi Lori, it's not normal to feel bouncy and full of beans all the time so it's ok to feel down and jaded a lot of the time. Often it's the busiest people who feel isolated and alone, I think it's because of the pressure of keeping up with life and keeping the smile on the face.
    Just remember how many people admire your talent and would happily give you a huge hug if only they could get to you when you need one.

  7. Lori, can I ask why you feel so alone? I know that you mentioned you suffer from depression, does that contribute to the feelings of loneliness? I also suffer from depression and anxiety and I know that some days are harder than others, I am so thankful that I have medication because I think that those periods would be so much worse and harder to get through. I have a very close friend who is like me and boy does that help, but I can't talk to her every day so sometimes the grounding is missed.

    I often wonder why are we so hard on ourselves, I read something recently by Don Miguel Ruiz that we are all perfect, I always say we aren't perfect and that we make mistakes but I have been thinking about that statement alot lately.

    I know that I have been struggling alot lately with motherhood, I had my son when I was quite young and knew that I always wanted more kids but they didn't come right away, I had my second child when I was 34 and my third when I was 37, and I don't know if I am just tired but my youngest has attitude and I keep thinking what am I doing wrong is she going to be okay. Only time will tell and I am stumped on how to parent her so she won't be such a stinker. I love my kids to pieces but I think sometimes I feel like I just need to be me and raising two little girls there isn't much opportunity for that.

    I am sending you some love!!


  8. I'm lonely too even though I'm surrounded by people. I work with a group that are all half my age & though at times we sort of connect, the majority of the time I feel such an outsider with no one my own age to talk too. All my other "friends" sometimes forget about be because of my work hours, or will say things like "oh we thought you wouldn't like this or that". I've always been on the out since I decided to not have children, and as I grow older the only things that make me happy now is my husband (but we have different interest too), my dogs (but they want to sleep in the Sun all the time now that they are older), my dolls & my beads. My family is so dysfunctional & distant. I feel so alone. I feel my hours with creating, but you can't do that all the time. Mainly the feeling of dispair hits me at work...8 hours of being the girl looking through the window pane. But you know what I've found that gets me through this time...all the people I've met online. I find others like me feeling like me & doing things like I guess in actuality, I'm not really alone...just a little isolated.

  9. This is such an important post and I am so pleased you wrote it Lori. It seems you are not alone in your feelings. I hate having to be "on" and smiling when I don't feel like it at all. It is exhausting however the unanimous vote here is that we smile to help others feel happy when they need it too. You are definitely not alone. You are such an inspiration and I treasure you!

  10. Penny, I'm lonely because I live on the computer. I get emails that I love from all of you and they mean so much, but I think I wear Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak when it comes to real-life stuff. And I do try, believe me. But there comes a point where one feels like they're sliding down a slope, making no headway, and I'm invisible again.

    As for family, that's a long story and none is close or accessible or available.

    (I wish I were brave enough to have an "F You" attitude and really FEEL it when I need it, but I don't.)

  11. I wish I could hug you right now.

  12. Anonymous2:48 PM

    I'll wipe you tears today. Funny, my mom always told me to splash cold water on my face if I was upset. (I think that was applying a mask to the problem.) I think you need more visual interaction with your peers (I know, I do). You've got the audience to do Friday night online shows and have guest artists. I would definitely watch and chat! Check out That's what C&T Publishing has used. I was a guest on their show twice. (Just a thought.) XO

  13. YOu are so not alone in this my friend! You know I always have a hug, shoulder, ear or kleenex for you!

  14. I'm not sure what to say; but I wanted to let you know that I understand and apreciate your honesty. How about listening to some dance kind of music and moving your body like there's no one watching (unless they join in)? You can do this every day for half an hour. It will get your endorphins going. Big (((HUG))). You are a gift.

  15. PART 1: (my comment was too long to be accepted in one comment, so I had to divide it up)
    Lori, your post has a strong effect on me, it moves me. You are far away and I wish you were closer, coz I would pop right over to your house right now and just do something with you. Go for a walk, a drive to a beautiful place, by a lake, go to a nice cafe, an exhibition, anything. Probably something nature-esque. I don't know if it would make you feel less alone, but I hope it would help you feel closer to yourself and life and the elements. I feel stupid when I say, that I am blessed with not suffering from the same kind of feelings as you have. But I have known quite a few people like it in my life, and I still do. From the outside our lives look very similar, but yet they feel lonely, and I do not. They feel they are playing theatre, and I do not. Why is it so? I don't know. It is sooooo unfair! I wish I could take them away, your bad sad feelings. I love your pink hair, and I think you do too. Most of the time. Because I think you can't help being that cheerful and energy-spreading person who gives so much to everyone. The pink hair IS you. But you also have some brown hair, or even grey maybe. They are you, both of them. Your pink haired person gives so much, so it is difficult for people around you to keep up, and give equally back to you. I know for sure I constantly feel I am in dept to you for everything I get. I can never "pay" back all of it. I am so grateful! You are fantastic. Embrace that. Embrace your online community friendships. AND embrace your other self, your own time, nature, what YOU love and enjoy. Is it a walk in the woods? Is it a opening at an art gallery? Is it sports? Or just sitting among lots and lots of people and be totally anonymous?

    Please continue by reading PART 2.

  16. PART 2: (my comment was too long to be accepted in one comment, so I had to divide it up. Start with PART 1)

    Who tells us what we should be? How we should be? Who puts those thoughts into our brains, that we are not totally perfect. Of course we are perfect just like we are. We shouldn't have to make appologies a lot of the time. We don't have to live up to sky-high expectations. Isn't that what we want to tell our children? That they are absolutely perfect no matter how they are and what they choose in life. (As long as they don't become criminals I think). They should listen to their own hearts and follow their own gut feelings. That is the only really close friends you have in the end. Yourself.

    Oh god I am babbling on. I am afraid I say the wrong things. I just want you to know I totally understand your feelings. I understand they are tough on you. I want to hug you and release you from them. Not completely, coz they are part of being a human being I believe. But the painful part. The overwhealming part. How about you tried not putting that drawing with the happy face there, in between you and your fellow being. What is the worst thing that could happen? And is that thing so bad?

    I love you Lori! I wanna be your friend for ever and ever. And I know I am not the only one also. Let's go for a walk in the woods and not speak a word. You may look as grumpy as ever. Would you like that? We could do it you know. You in the US and I here in Sweden. At the same time. And then we could write to each other or speak on the phone afterwords about what we experienced. I would love it actually. Tomorrow? We are 6 hours apart. 3 pm my time and 9 am your time.

    Big hug!

  17. Oh my dear, you put so much pressure on yourself--pressure to appear happy and content. If you don't feel like smiling, then don't (though you do have a wonderful sunny smile).

    I think many women feel this same way at times, including me. We feel we must stay positive for the family, or work, or friends, no matter what is boiling and churning around us. And that puts a heavy burden on us.

    My doctor suggested journaling, but each one must find their own outlet, their own place to feel free to be themselves.

    I can't pretend to know what you are going through--and no one can until they've walked in your shoes. But I can listen, and send you hugs.

  18. Thank you. I think this has been a long time coming and I'm pretty much unable right now to "turn that frown upside down". I know there will be some out there who will roll their eyes over this entire post but be that as maybe. Everyone feels bad at some point in their life and I don't think I should feel guilty for letting it out now and then.

    I'll probably lose readers, too.

    But I just want a hug from someone that is physically here that isn't my husband or child. Is that such a bad thing? People crave that touch of real caring, don't they?

    On a small note of levity. Rick bought me pie.

  19. Just feel it Lori. You're sad. It may not get better right away, it will probably come back but you bravely expressed it and that starts a little bit of the uphill climb. I'm thinking of you in the best way.

  20. Hi Lori - I do identify with your post. Here's a virtual hug:
    and also some pie:
    (> (> <) <)
    and some roses:
    @>\--- x12

    Feel better? I hope so.
    Emanda 8^P

  21. Dear Lori:

    You know how much I love you and how very much we are the same. I pledge from this day forward to send you white light and love every day . I shall think of you and send everything good I can your way, every day.
    You have a gift to express yourself and to create. You can allow yourself to feel bad. We who love you will hold you up, when you need it.

    All my love and respect, jean xoxox

  22. As a new mother I often feel this way - think the picture describes how many women feel. I wish you true happiness!

  23. Lori I wrote--I hope it got through. I love you every day of my life. xox jean

  24. I thought this was a really beautiful peace.

    Good days are coming - no worries.

    -Dan V

    Found via blogging buddies.

  25. Oh Lori, I'm so very sorry I don't live closer. I have had a couple of times in my life where I lived depression. I am thankful I am not in that time now. Please, please know how much you are loved and appreciated by people who just can't be around you physically because of distance, but who love you so very much, just the way you are. Readers lost from this post were not the kind of people you need anyway. Being down and discouraged is a part of life, because it gives the people who love us an opportunity to show that love even more. Just like all the people who have posted. Sending you big hugs, and I really am just a phone call away, anytime. Love much!

  26. Lori, I feel like this a lot, too and I even consider myself a pretty happy, positive and up-beat person. I spend most of my time just at home taking care of my daughter, Nora. I don't get out much. In my free time, I work on jewelry designs for publications to help get my name out there or I'm working on book stuff every chance I get. We just recently move to Salem, MA. so I don't really know anyone here and family isn't really close enough to see on a regular base. I guess I could try to get out there and meet some other young mothers out here, but the thought of that seems so daunting and I'm not desperate. I won't settle for the company of just anyone. Does that sound awful? Maybe, but in the past I've gotten involved with people that are just take, take, takers. You know, the toxic ones that just drain you, suck the life out of you and I had to get them out of my life. I want good company, someone that I can relate to. I need good natured souls that won't take advantage of me or use me as a dumping ground. I need a positive, mutually beneficial friendship and I have yet to find it.

  27. I am in a period of transition myself..and I want you to know I feel this way a god bit too. And I am my worst enemy...
    I have been on anxiety meds for years, went off (with Dr. care) and felt so good about things, then had a tough year, with family illness and "life"...I was ON when I needed to be and then I hit a wall a few weeks ago. I am struggling, as are so many who posted, alone you are not...even though we sometimes think we are. Just wanted you to know, I am saying good wishes for us all, xo.

  28. Many hugs to you Lori....and hey, let's get together, I'm just over the bridge! xoxoxo

  29. Dearest Lori - Like so many who have commented here, I really do understand how you feel right now. I have so much I want to say, but for now, just know that I love you and am praying for you, my friend. I know those words may seem empty, but please know that I truly do love you, and I am stopping what I am doing right now to pray for you and to put you in my daily prayers.

    Also, (in case you can't do this yourself) I give you permission to turn off your computer. Right now. Just do it. Keep it off for a couple of days, even. Or a week. Or two. Catch up on your sleep, call a friend - I know you have people within a couple of hours of you - and make plans, or just talk to them on the phone.

    The world won't stop turning if you check out for a while. I promise we won't forget about you - we care about you so much. Pull the mask off and be you - smile or not - just please take care of yourself. You won't be any good to anyone else if you can't function, physically or mentally.

    I am here if you want to talk in person - you've got my number - call any time. :)

  30. I so understand and feel the same at times.. Since you are several states away I cannot do anything to help other than to say you are not alone.... and the next time I bottom out I'll try to remember that too.

  31. Blessings and soft hugs, Lori.
    Remember, without the down times we might not appreciate the good ones.
    We're all just human and trying to do our best ~ you will feel better,
    I promise.

  32. This is only virtual, but it is meant with genuine feelings.

  33. You need to learn to just say NO, just take time for YOU, and remember the things that make you smile. They may be the very things you need a break from, to realize how much joy they you bring you. Get out, go for a bike ride, take a weekend to the shore to do nothing but read. Meet up with a friend for some girl time......just take care of you. I know when I get out of my home, away from the day to day, I end up missing being here and refreshed. Just a thought.....your not a lone. *hugs*

  34. Oh Lori, I'm sending a big hug your way. Don't we all need big bear hugs every once in a while?

    It's totally okay to not want to smile all the time and to just want to curl in a ball somewhere. Just remember, you're not alone! We all like you a lot/love you (there are 30comments ahead of this to attest to this!) and care about you.

    Hang in there

  35. Oh Lori, Do I need to send PIE^:)) You are so loved, I wish you could just feel the good thoughts going your way. You and your family are in my prayers as you know.
    You are such an inspiration and I just love you and I wish I were closer. We could giggle together I am sending you HUGS
    I have traveled this road as well. Be blessed to be a blessing

  36. Sometimes I feel closer to my online friends than I do to others.

    Someday we will meet in person and share hugs and pie.

  37. I seem that people always solitary,the whole its life even though they have a family, children,simply loved people...
    but know that there is people,which want to you was a heat , much pleasantly...

  38. I can relate a bit also. Been feeling more alone these days as my pool of friends seems to be getting smaller. I wish all my online art acquaintances were friends nearby so I could have a polymer gathering this weekend, a colored pencil gathering the next, a jewelry gathering the week after, photography after that, and on and on...

  39. I have been feeling like this too . . . I have a sleep disorder and now menopause has added to the sleep problem big time. My best friend moved 1200 miles away and was the one person with whom I could share anything without fear of judgement, that other person I got to hug and that hugged me back. I'll be 50 at my next birthday and have been a stay-at-home mom for almost 17 years and now I'm trying to figure out where I fit in this world. Life isn't always easy, a lot of times it's just plain hard, and some days it feels impossible. No your not alone, I don't think there is any one of us who haven't felt this way at some time or another and you don't have to apologize for feeling that way, or being honest about it. For me, I totally respect your authenticity and it's one reason I am a reader.

    I truly hope that you feel better soon!!

  40. I'm sorry to hear your sad and overwhelmed and I hope you can feel the love and support from all your on line friends and lifts you up a little.

  41. Oh, Lori. If it's any comfort, you are not alone. Sometimes I feel like I keep busy to avoid that hollow, empty hole I feel inside.

  42. Anonymous4:06 AM

    Oh Lori...we all feel and have felt where you are..and you are not alone.

    As for what you said about losing readers...well, screw em! If they don't appreciate honesty and the level of trust you are extending to all of us by writing about something that so clearly by the responses to this, affect ALOT of us, then really..would losing them as readers be so bad? I don't think so. Let them eat cake..because here, we have pie!

    ;0) Mari

  43. I'm sorry that I have been absent here Lori, I'll explain when i see you which will be soon, i promise. I am going to check the weather so maybe we can take a walk on the beach, take some pics, talk and i'll give you a hug in person but for now, here's a virtual one (((((Hug)))))

  44. Oh Lori, your post makes me wanna jump into the ocean and swim over to the US to give you a hug. Your personality and your blog and everything you do for us make me feel so grateful, so I feel so sorry that I live so far away and so I cannot be around you in a time like this. And I know and understand that the virtual hugs you get have not the same effect like a real one. But I wanna think that the help maybe a little bit. And I really admire you for being such a strong person and sharing your feelings with us. That is so brave. Love you, Lori!

  45. I have felt this way before. You need an up close and personal best girlfriend. Someone to share a piece of pie and sympathy (pie has less calories when you share.) How can we find one for you where you live? Remember, the bottoms come and go.Hugs. Wish I was there.

  46. I have felt this way before. You need an up close and personal best girlfriend. Someone to share a piece of pie and sympathy (pie has less calories when you share.) How can we find one for you where you live? Remember, the bottoms come and go.Hugs. Wish I was there.

  47. Hang in there, Lori! Your blogging friends love you.

  48. Well, I can't say 'I know how you feel'... I know how I feel... but the good news - I think - is that WE FEEL. Personally I think it's time to get out of my box... I think I'll take Malin's advice and go out for a walk today. I'll be by myself but - it's a beautiful autumn day and I'm sure the fresh air will do me well. I'll try not to think of work... family... health... dust bunnies... all of the 'should be's'... but just enjoy the sun beams coming through the trees.

    I'll send some sun beam'y thoughts you way Lori. Thank you - again - for opening up and sharing yourself with us. You are a special person ~~T

  49. Lori, I think I know how you feel. I would say I do, but I'm not you and I suppose it's impossible to feel the exact same thing because we are all different. Though we are all the same in some ways too... *sigh* I'm rambling already. I know how it feels to feel alone. I have a husband and three beautiful, wonderful children. I have so many amazing friends online, wonderful people who touch my life and yet... it's not the same as having someone here. Someone I can go out to coffee with, to go to a movie with, to go on a walk... to give a hug with arms and not thoughts. We are human. We are allowed... or at least should be allowed to feel what we feel. We shouldn't have to wear a mask all of the time and yet, we do. Why? I suppose it is different for each of us. For me it is because I'm hoping my smile will make someone else smile and maybe it will make me feel better too. *sigh* But sometimes we have to let it out, to let people see how we really feel. So let it go, Lori, you are sunshine to many of us so often. You are allowed to let the rain fall sometimes too, we'll still love you. We love you for being the amazing human being you are, and that means feeling what you feel. And we are grateful for your sharing because it helps us know we aren't alone either.

  50. Lori,

    There is so much pressure in life, especially on women, to do everything right and be cheerful all the time and take care of everyone else. It can be so overwhelming, and yes, lonely!

    One thing I'm trying to work on -- emphasis on trying -- is to take care of myself while I juggle everything else. To give myself some down time, some quiet time, some me time. To create a time, and a place, where I don't have to be chipper if I'm not up to it. Even 15 minutes helps... when I remember to do it.

    Just from reading your blog, I can tell you're an awesome person and a great mom to that creative boy. You are enough, and you do enough. *Hugs.*

  51. Sweet Lori, this was a really tough week. I was as down as you and I'm sorry, I have no real answers.

    Back to the gym on Monday for me. Sometimes that helps.

    I wish I could hug you because that does help.



  52. Lori, I think that we all experience this to some extent. I know that I see the mommies that have the coffee clutches and the trips to Chicago to go shopping and the weekly get togethers and think, why not me? But I also realize that while the people I have 'met' online are not near in spirit they are very dear to my heart and have done more for me than dozens of real life people in my world. I am sorry that you feel sad, but please believe that you are not alone. Now go and find that something good in your corner of the world today, because I know it is there, even if you have to search for it. It will make you feel better, I just know it.

    Enjoy the day.

  53. You're not the only one with the mask.
    I'm sending positive thoughts your way and wish I could give you a big hug. I bet we could both use it.

  54. Being a wife and mother is a tough job. I have gone through some rough times, too. My husband says I am the one who keeps the family going and keeps others on an even keel (as much as possible -- tough when you have teenagers. Thankfully, mine are now past that stage.). It can be a lot of weight to bear. Sometimes you just want someone to take care of you for a change! :) Hang in there!

  55. Thank you so much for this post Lori! You give me courage and make me feel like I'm not alone. Xoxo

  56. I think there are many of us who do this. We go through life with a smile hiding the hurt that lies within.

    For me it is because I figure others have enough to deal with I don't need to add my issues to the pile. So I usually keep my sadness and frustration hidden and slap a smile on and go about my day.

    I do things to make me happy like a nose ring or a tattoo or black hair (my version of pink hair) but they are temporary.

    So hugs to you and know you are not alone. And know there are people willing to listen.

  57. I keep saying the same thing over and over... I am generally a happy person.

    What I don't say is that I am nice or kind, but I am mostly both. What I am not is someone who always says the right thing, or the supportive thing, or the positive thing. I get really frustrated with people being stupid. Even though I am generally positive and supportive I am quite capable of being negative.

    I have learned that bad things happen in life. I still laugh and plow my way through. Perseverance does sometimes pay off. I have high expectations for myself that I do not live up to.

    Don't confuse being popular, supportive, kind, etc... with being happy. I remember your post at the last BSBP where you spoke of the complaints about not getting an even exchange, about not being good enough, etc... You said all the right things (I suspect you were both disappointed and PO'd, I certainly would have been.) The complainers never learned that sometimes if you don't have anything nice to say you shouldn't say anything.

    All of which is the long way of saying, be easy on yourself, practice not saying anything, laugh as often as possible, and work on getting wrinkles that show you smiled often. We can become what we live.

    In the mean time lots of hugs.

  58. I too am so sorry you are sad. I think your plan of action is a good one. Sometimes women drive themselves too hard for too long and it just wears them down and life loses its luster. You are a very strong person with great inner strength. I feel sure you will find your way to feeling better. Thnking of you and sending you healing thoughts.

  59. You are not alone in your feelings at all. If you ever need a girl's day out or someone to hang out with over some slices of pie or jewelry creating, don't hesitate to contact me. I am just on the other side of the pond, um bay. And please know that you are such an inspiration to so many people!

  60. Lori ~
    I'm not rolling my eyes at all, nor will you loose me as a reader.

    I can relate on so many levels. Working from home w/my hubby, plus trying to run my jewelry business, and taking care of our son, doesn't leave much time for 'girl friends' and/or hugs from others.

    I would give you a hug right now if I was there, and I'm sure I'd get one in return.

    Your courage to open up is inspiring and I hope one day that I will be able to say 'no' to holding up the paper w/the smile on it and letting my true feelings come through. For I believe it will be then that I shall return to being the true 'me'.

    I think you are on the right path - and the right path isn't always the easiest, the shortest or the happiest at first,...


  61. Lori honey, sometimes what is, is just is...I have been in places like this, not exactly as you are, as we all feel our lives in different ways...
    I dont have much advise, I do know that this too shall has always for me...
    the best way to look it all for me anyway, specially if anyone makes a comment or rolls eyes at my feelings, is to just say IS THAT SO and move on...
    you are a wonderful awesome soul, I love knowing and I love checking in on you & playing along with you, from our email conversations about chin hairs, or my infertility, you have always been a light to me, I hope you find some light soon...
    just remember there are no rules, we make them up as we go along... make up rules that make you light up...


  62. Anonymous4:38 PM

    I think you put into words what so many of us feel but don't know how to express. you for putting you feelings in words, I thought I was just about the only one who felt this way-and sometimes it's so hard to put on a smile when you feel like going to bed and pulling the covers over your head. Thank you for making me realize I'm not alone in my feelings. Neva

  63. Dear Lori

    How brave to say how you feel. I think everything I would want to say has been said here and I cannot add anything new to all these lovely comments of encouragement and love, so will just send hugs and hope from across the pond xx Pippa

  64. I'm chiming in -- that is so how I feel, what a perfect photo. So many of us!


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