Saturday, December 17, 2016

Never trust your tongue when your heart is bitter.


Truer words were never spoken, yet harder words were never uttered.


I have several relationships in my life -- friends, family -- who can in one minute express kindness and in the next remind me rather intensely of my faults.


What happens then is a complete disaster of emotions. Are they right?  Am I failing as a mother and missing all the cues? Am I selfish? Am I stupid to listen to a therapist (words actually spoken to me)? Am I faking it (because really, I honestly can't faint at a whim or cry when told to)? Am I a waste of time?


After the initial panic attack, I start to think like the educated person I've fought to be. By "educated", I don't just mean my degree from University of Virginia. By "educated", I mean I 've done copious research, looked for opposing sources (and THEIR sources).This is when a scientific background, a scientific family, and a husband who is so smart I am constantly boggled comes into play. I won't lie ... sometimes it takes a Xanax and deep breathing and sleeping on it to makes sense of things.


Now where was I? Ah, yes. Even while venting, I have to (HAVE TO) keep a calm, civil tongue, one which *I* would listen to. Rationality doesn't necessarily mean you have the answers. Being absolutely certain you're right doesn't mean you can make that clear to anyone.


It means knowing when to keep quiet; respecting, even if not believing, what I'm hearing. It means taking the time to not make snap decisions and to above all, not vent in a public space if you aren't able or willing to handle the results (I so admire friends of mine who are able to do this. I'm rotten at it.). And it means being able to accept if you're wrong or if your delivery was faulty.


Everyone gets angry, hurt, humiliated, saddened, and often, struck with knowledge that they are indeed right, but it's no longer important to nail that home.


During the Christmas season, I've found that a lot of people can get into tiffs and outright fights that are caused because people haven't been together for a while, didn't know how a person felt about a particular subject, or, you know -- eggnog.  A slice of fruitcake and a glass of liquored-up eggnog can make things go bad if the situation is just right.


So my goal, not just for 2017, but for life, is to keep quieter when I'm hurt, really evaluate what was said, and realize that it's not always me, and it's not always them. It can be a simple misunderstanding ("You don't like blue? But I bought you a blue sweater!") to things that are deeply rooted and may never get fixed (see every public election).


Just never trust your tongue (or your typing!) when you're in the heat of anger. Sit on it for a while and decide if there is really, truly, a reason to let anger take the center stage when calmness and a degree of compassion could fix everything.


Make your words count. I hope to do better at this.


Much love to you all.



10 comments:

  1. That's really really good.. deep.

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  2. Wise words and thank you for posting this. Especially during this hectic busy time it is best to stop and consider before speaking. I was just agreeing with a loved one today that 39 years is too long to stay bitter towards another person...especially a close family member. Be Well Dear...

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  3. True words, always sleep on it before you say something , or make a drastic decision.
    I don't know you, never met you, but your words always bring tears to my eyes. Some people are so hurtful, selfish people who only are happy when they hurt you.
    You are a kind person, and you have people who cares about you, I know that I do,
    I wish you happy holidays!!!
    From a friend from the web

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  4. Very deep! Always remember something that I have been telling myself lately. I even had a keychain made with this saying on it to remind me, if I ever forget. "You are stronger than you know!" So please say this to yourself when you doubt yourself

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  5. So very true. Someone once told me to put it in writing and email it to myself. Give it 24 hrs & see if you still want to send it to the person who angered or hurt you. Not easy but sometimes it works just putting it all on paper. Hoping you continue to heal and get back to normal. Hugs

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  6. That is a very hard lesson. One I have to learn and relearn constantly!!! I sooo agree that it is Vital!!!! Very Well Said my friend!!!!

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  7. it happened to me just yesterday. at what should have been a joyous time of surprise and celebration, i let a phone call from my grandson's father set me off. i ruined the moment i should have been rejoicing in, especially when my family is facing such adversities... i took the phone outside and after much prodding, i lost my temper and ranted. then, went inside... my future son-in-law was blowing out his candles on birthday cake and someone asked what he wished for... he looked at my sweet daughter and said, "You... only you, for the rest of my life..." He got down on one knee and proposed. so precious. it's all a blur because i let myself once again be reeled in to stupid conversations... we face such stress every day in our lives... so wish we could check the stupid reactions at the door. sending love to you, Lori. You are loved by many!

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  8. I wish it won't take three hours to come up with some words. At least I am home and I miss you very much. Some people put those things on the air not realizing that I for one rather wait until I forget something rather than waking up and make someone unhappy. I cannot talk, I have 5 broken back areas, I can hardly speak and although I don't remember back the person who tried to kill me didn't realized it would take more than an idiot to succeed, please let me know if you have the whole thing yesterday. I love you, Rick and my favorite grand baby and hope to see you after the three months I cannot ride, and I can get my brain put in some sense since right now I had used 4 hours just to right this.

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  9. Advice I should take to heart.

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  10. Wonderful thoughts. Yes it can be difficult to ignore insensitive people. Please know that you are a special person and sometimes it is just a misunderstanding.

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