But I do want to make a comment about friendship.
I don't have a lot of close friends. I know a lot of people online (and I think a lot of the time, you can really know who is real online and who is blowing smoke, although we've all been fooled at some point, I'm sure). But as to people I go out with, talk to weekly, have coffee with, just sit with....well. THAT is a different story.
I think back to when I had tangible friends, and I realize since I no longer have a corporate job, no longer teach fitness classes, and live in a small town, it may not be, as I've often considered, all my fault. And I am, I firmly believe, "socially awkward ".
It's not catching, but it IS uncomfortable.
|I have this, from fishcakesoboy on Etsy|
I am very lonely as I try to get better. I used to be called a workaholic, the Energizer Bunny. Now, largely because I don't see an end in sight to the Lyme disease and liver toxicity and weight loss and brain freezes and nausea, I've gone beyond Socially Awkward to Socially Invisible.
And yet. That is not entirely true. I learned that a couple days ago. The experience totally changed my outlook on what a friend is. A friend doesn't always have to be someone who's been in your life since grade school. A friend just needs empathy for a person when they need it, and gives that empathy (or humor, or whatever the situation calls for) without hesitation. No pettiness, no eye rolls, but kindness.
The other day I was in a very bad place, worse than usual, and I needed someone to talk to me, about ANYTHING, until my husband got home (an hour's drive off). I bared my soul and posted on Facebook. I was afraid to try and call anyone from my small list of numbers because if I got an answering machine, it would have wrecked me....that's how crappy I felt. I didn't want to call Rick and have him drive the entire hour on hands free, worrying.
So I posted a call for help.
And people came.
People I've met at shows. People I've emailed a few times about beads. People who I didn't recognize. In the time it took for Rick to get home, these people, these FRIENDS, let me be weak and held me up. I know it's a risk every time I put my soul out there, but the good from doing that far outweighs the bad for me. It's not for everyone, and when Rick got home, I thanked everyone and deleted the post.
I don't delete posts because I'm afraid, as some have scornfully said in the past. I deleted that post because it had other people's personal things on it, and in the rush to help, maybe they didn't want all that out there. Plus, I'd internalized everything and didn't want to revisit that particular hour of my life.
(By the way, empathy and scorn don't even exist in the same stratosphere, so to the few comments or emails I get from some who feel it's OK to hurt me, you should really evaluate life and where we all fit in it. You don't have to like everything I say or do, but manners and tact and empathy are how I hope you deal with people you find "lesser".)
I don't particularly enjoy writing about The Sads, but it's part of my life. It is not my ENTIRE life, but it certainly has changed it, and I have to believe (HAVE to believe) that whenever I come out of this, I'm going to be healthier than I've ever been and ready to take on the world again.
But this time, I'll know what's worth my time, and what (and who) is not.
I hope my readers, who I love and respect so much, hang with me. If you hate these posts, I hope you come back for the fun stuff. And there IS fun stuff.
Love to all, and thank you.