I know it's been a long time since I last wrote, and for those of you who follow me on Facebook, you already know the what's up. Forgive me for using Facebook rather than my blog, but my blog post about everything that's been going on in the past few weeks may or may not happen. Facebook forces me to be a bit brief, and my blog has always felt like a sanctuary to me, a place where words take time and marinate (along with decent photos) and frankly, I've just withdrawn a bit because my blog was starting to be "Icky Things No One Really Wants to Hear About" instead of "Pretty Things".
However, and however, and yet still ... however.
I'll give you one of the reasons I've been remiss.
In a nutshell, after seeking a second opinion on my Lupus diagnosis, I hooked up with a doctor who specializes in Lyme and related diseases. For the past year (yep, it's been almost exactly a year) I've felt so sick, so tired, so Not Right. I've been taking Lupus drugs for a while but didn't get that much better. I always wondered about Lyme disease, but whenever I was tested, it would come back positive, and then the secondary test would come back negative, and none of the doctors felt it was worth pursuing because more extensive tests aren't covered by insurance and are pricey, so they said, "Nope, not Lyme."
Enough of that nonsense. I wanted to get better.
Sixteen vials of blood later (which included the expensive out of pocket test) showed I absolutely do have Lyme disease. It also showed a whole myriad of things I wasn't expecting....My mold exposure count (or whatever you call it) was high. Platelets too high. Estrogen too high. Vitamin D not being absorbed. And insulin resistance, which explained why I kept gaining weight so rapidly, with or without help from pie.
Quite a lot to take in! And quite a lot to treat.
I'm currently under a rigorous antibiotic regimen as well as using some more holistic approaches to handling everything else. I've been on a restrictive diet and have learned to embrace the nebulous quantity that is the kale smoothie.
But I am tired. Nay, freaking grumpy and exhausted. I have enough energy to get Zack to school and that, folks, is about that.
Me being me, I feel incredibly guilty for missing deadlines, being totally zoned out, and feeling I have absolutely nothing to contribute right now except excuses. I have so many ideas, so many things that need to get done, so many plans.... But right now my body is running the show, and it's telling me to slow down or I'll make things worse. It's telling me it's OK to be in a vile mood sometimes when all I can do is stare at the ceiling fan. My life isn't over. It's just stalled for now. I have no idea how long it'll be until I feel more like myself. (Months, say some. Years, say others.) I'm trying to embrace the chance to rest, But it already feels like it's been a lifetime of resting, and I'm kinda over it.
I guess you could say, things sort of suck right now, and oh, I know, I should be very glad I'm being properly treated (Lord, let's hope so this time), but I'm not going to lie. I'm Bitter, Party of One a LOT of the time, and the effort it takes to be brave and cheerful -- right now, I do not have that. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. But not today.
Which, in a rather larger nutshell than I intended, is why I've been absent.
I'm trying very hard to make lemonade out of Lyme.