|Looking for light in the darkness.|
Last year has been one of the hardest I've faced in years. The list of WHY it was a hard year isn't nearly as important as my wanting to never have a year like that again.
This year, I need to get back in touch with myself. Who I am, what makes me happy, how I handle heartbreak and disappointment. I'm not making any business plans -- or rather, I'm not committing to anything until I fix ME. I have ideas and lots of dreams, but I'm going to let those happen as they happen and instead focus on repairing damage.
Which leads me to the tattoo.
I have two tattoos. Both are incredibly meaningful to me. One is in Korean (via Chinese characters) and loosely translates to "survivor". My second tattoo is the Japanese for "hope". They're a part of me and I don't regret getting them.
Last month, I woke up in the middle of the night and shook Rick awake. "I want another tattoo," I said, and knowing me as he knows me, that wasn't a strange thing to hear at 2am.
An interesting thing about tattoos -- people often get them when they're at a pivotal point in their lives. This was true of my first two tattoos, and it's true of my newest one.
I'm holding Zack's hand for a lot of reasons. For one, after I spent days looking at fonts, he made the final choice. He also insisted I add the heart "for him".
"That's me there," he said.
Rick and Zack both went with me when I got the tattoo (a remarkably painless few minutes). The placement of the tattoo -- across the inside of my wrist -- was very carefully chosen. You can probably figure that one out without my going into detail. Let's just say there were some dark periods in my life and they came back this year to haunt me.
With this tattoo, I'm making a start at exorcising those demons.
I've struggled to write this post, and I think I may struggle to write more this year. I know no one wants to hear about pain and depression anymore. It's still there, but I'm sick of it. I'm tired of the stranglehold it has on me, and I'm really, really trying to live.
I have no idea what will get me out of the darkness I'm in right now, but having this tattoo is a constant reminder to love my life, no matter what kind of life it ends up being.
Thanks for listening.