Monday, April 16, 2012

I think I'm doing too much. And this post is rambling.





This quotation was like an "a-ha!" moment.  
So THAT'S what's been going wrong.


I've been burning the candle at both ends, which is not at all surprising to anyone who knows me.  When I can stay out of bed, I'm busy busy busy.  I've always liked to have things to do.  I like to make lists and see things get checked off.  I no longer question WHY I like this pace -- it's just an integral part of who I am. I don't know why.  It just IS.


My eBook is thisclose to being done -- I just need to write the ending page and figure out how it delivers via email since it's almost 60 pages with lots of photos, and I'm afraid that I'm going to have to take all of the text and turn text into a photo because I'm not sure the fonts will translate.  But either way, it's almost done. And I'm nervous about how it will be received.  But. 


Check that off the list.


Lately, though, I've felt like a big pile of Fail.  I went out to the glass studio today and picked up enameling again after forever.  I experimented with adding glass frit, but at the end of the day -- I have four beads that made it.  And then head:slap.  I dumped out enamels from bags into tins, and then, when faced with putting them back into their bags, realized how white, transparent, and this one pale pink look SO MUCH ALIKE.  So.  Next time I enamel, I'll be in for a color surprise.


Also, after over a year of not lampworking, I picked it back up again -- and what happened?  Any skill I had is gone.  And the practicing isn't working.  I've signed up for a class at Bead and Button  and if I don't get my stuff together, that class will be a waste of time.


I have a screaming headache.  No really.  I heard it scream "guess what you're in for today!".


Mail is piled on the table.  Packages need to be opened.  Emails need to be answered.


I have to make a Ben Franklin costume today.  Just a random factoid.



I have to -- when did it become "HAVE" to, and not "WANT" to?  I need, MUST, make that distinction between what is on my calendar and my plate and what is actually going to happen any time soon.




I have this overwhelming need, compulsion, neurosis, whatever you want to call it, to do as much as I can possibly do every single day because I know there will be days, at least once a week, when staying in bed is all I can manage that day.  I never know when that will happen, so procrastination just doesn't fit into the equation.


This month has been a Comedy of Errors. I even taught Zack what that phrase means yesterday when we were trying to put back together an intricate Star Wars LEGO structure.  The harder we worked, the worse it got.  Push one piece on, the back falls off.  Put the back on again, the front falls off.  You just have to laugh because what else is there to do?  Nothing other than laughing helped.



Working with Zack on that project made me realize that it might be a good idea to start slowing down, stop trying to keep up with an imaginary agenda.  Play more LEGO.


This is such a rambling post -- but it felt good to write it all out.




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Lori Anderson creates jewelry for her web site, Lori Anderson Designs, and wrote the blog An Artist's Year Off.  She is the creator of the Bead Soup Blog Party.

26 comments:

  1. Lori I can relate, I suffer with the same affliction. I have been totally frazzeled today, getting things ready in preparation for getting my shop open in the next few months, pakaging, logo design, shop banner, photographs, business cards, it's all so mind boggling. I think I should do a different thing every day instead of trying to do it all in one day

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  2. Lori, I could have written this too because I am right there with you!

    I tried torch enameling again last week with beads=same results! I picked up bezel wire and torch and like you-after a good 2 yrs of NOT doing silver working,my skills have also gone to seed. Where it was once SO EASY to make a bezel now I can't get a good flush closure no matter how long I file.

    But you know what, its ok- we'll get that mojo back. We're just rusty right now because we've focused on learning how to do other things. We should go a little easier on ourselves and not get mad because we USE to do it so easily. We need to allow ourselves to relearn or refresh all that info and mind/muscle coordination. And it will come back quick since we've got that info already, just needs to be dredged up.

    xoxo
    Barbe

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  3. Just like Legos it's one piece at a time - and then you're done and ready to move on to the next project! Remember to enjoy the adventure along the way. ~~T

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  4. I love that you are so open! It's always good to know we are not struggling alone in some of these things.

    Your energy is amazing, and I wish I had that every day.

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  5. just thinking- pushing yourself so hard could be contributing to the headaches. My son (14) has migraines as well and we are in the phase "maybe the medication is causing rebound headaches- so no pain meds for 2 weeks" How do I tell my son who has daily headaches that one???? I told the Dr. we would give it a try- it may not be realistic?????
    Have a good day
    Alice~Alice's beads and baubles@blogspot.com

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  6. proud of you, thanks for sharing!

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  7. There's a saying in 12-step programs much like your first quote: "Don't compare your insides to others' outsides." Only you know how much effort, trial and error you've been through to get to where you are (unless you blog it, of course! :)) And I must say, your "outsides" look fantastic to me!

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  8. Sounds like you are getting a lot accomplished - like someone else said, Take it one step at a time.
    I ramble a lot, but it seems to clear my brain sometimes. :-D
    Have a great week.

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  9. Many years ago, I was talking to a priest friend about how inadequate I was feeling, in not being able to "do all the things I wanted to do" during the day. His answer was, "All that is asked of you is that you do one thing a day, and that could be a prayer, even for yourself". Have never forgotten that advice, and there have been many a days since that I have had to take it.

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  10. Wow, sounds like you were writing from MY chair. I don't have the same medical affliction, just a mental one:that I have to get everything done NOW. Then I kick myself for not doing so. I am slowly learning that what doesn't get done will be there tomorrow and it will all get done eventually. God forbid I die today, the work will still be there and that's not the end of the world. I'm taking baby steps to get stuff done. One small thing a day. I feel a sense of accomplishment, it's not overwhelming, and eventually, it all gets done.
    Good luck to you!

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  11. Glad to hear you're slowing things down a tad so you'll have more of the time to spend with your family :)

    good for you:)

    And don't worry about the lampworking, I'm sure it'll come back in it's own time.

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  12. Tried to sign in using google and couldn't! My day has been a bit like YOUR day! I am heartened by your stalwartness in the face of adversity, however, I wish your headache would go away. Never forget how much I love you. I cannot believe I am such an idiot I missed your mini blog hop sign up! Gah!
    xoxoxox jean

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  13. Thank you again Lori for writing how you feel. I am feeling very lacking with being down for the twelvth day and after spending 6 hours in ER to find out I am having a kidney stone. How such a tiny thing can be so painful and devastating to my otherwise busy schedule is frustrating. So I take your words as mine and rest until..."This too shall pass!"
    Healing Hugs to you and let's do one Lego at a time.

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  14. Oh, Lori...I totally understand. I've been pushing myself like crazy for the show/sale that was on Saturday and it was a total failure for me. I didn't sell a single piece of jewelry and got a fair amount of criticism. Turnout was light and very few people actually sold any pieces. I felt like such a failure having worked so hard and then--nothing.

    Somehow, we'll all get through all this cr*p! ((Lori))

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  15. Aww don't be so hard on yourself. Beads don't HAVE to be made right now, maybe the mojo just isn't right right now. And as far as the enamels you could end up making some really cool beads so it could be a happy accident! :)

    Just take it day by day, and do the things that will make your heart sing. And maybe stop saying yes to things so much , lol.

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  16. Lori,

    I had a Lego Moment with a ring I was working on today. Some days are bead-weaving days, and some are not.

    I'm making myself take the evening off, but it's tough! Like you, I always want to be doing something. I've started telling myself that rest is an essential part of the creative process, and that's helped a little. But if I'm not careful, I talk myself into some "playtime" that closely resembles work. ;)

    Congrats on your book progress! If you need a proof-reader, I've done that for a friend's novels in the past.

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  17. During your busy, busy, busy days, make sure you stop to smell the roses, fondle the beads, hug Zack... and don't sweat the small stuff. Thanks for stopping by.

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  18. I have the same problems, but I just want to point out you have to give yourself that permission to have play dates w/ your beads/tools/whatever without the pressure to PRODUCE.

    I sometimes get anxious when I'm learning something new ( or relearning) because it feels like a huge waste of time unless I make something I can sell. Sometimes it's got to be about the process not the end result...

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  19. Oh Lori, we can pile way to much on our plate, can't we? Just remember to breathe. Everything will get done it always does, and take some time for yourself:) (Hugs)

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  20. Wow, so many of us in the same boat! When feeling insecure, it helps me to realize I'm really not alone. I always assume everyone else has their act together and I am the only one floundering. Thanks for putting it out there.

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  21. Lori-You amaze me constantly by how much you get accomplished! Add take time for yourself to the list.

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  22. I did a 1350 piece lego thing with Logan when he was about Zach's age - I feel your pain,....at least in the lego arena! :) Hope things start to feel better. Thinking of you. :)

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  23. There is a song I listen to alot from having to do with a "Fear of Wasting Time". I feel that way all the time. I must be productive constantly until I collapse and my body screams ENOUGH. I regroup and start again. We are suffering from the same neurosis. I must keep going. I too have felt that all this moving around may actually be hindering my creativity. When you are too tired to see the needle and thread, you can't create. I am so tired, I can't write. I have a lot to say, but I want it to sound positive and funny, so I wait.

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  24. I think we all have a tendency to get overwhelmed when we put so much expectations on ourselves, to do more, be more, make more, etc. a favorite quote of mine is from the book Dinotopia, "breathe deep, seek peace" wishing you peace.

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  25. I think many of us can feel your pain. I have lists that pile up on my bathroom counter. I keep paper and pen on me at work just for lists. Mostly things I should do (like weeding) with some things I want to do. A small percentage gets done, another small percentage gets put on a new list, and most just go in the trash when I finally do one of the list things (clean my bathroom.)
    Also understand doing so many things you forget how to do some of them. I have a candle factory in my garage and I keep wanting to get back to it, but then I'd have to figure which wax is for which type of candle and which wick is for which wax which is for which candle...

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  26. You 'have' to take care of yourself and Zack. Everything else is extra and if you are pushing yourself so much that you don't enjoy any of it then what is the point?

    Slow down and relearn how to enjoy life. Yeah it's not an easy lesson but something we all have to teach ourselves at one time or another.

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I appreciate comments! <3

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