I try my hardest to keep this blog as upbeat as possible. Occasionally I indulge in wallowing in self-pity and as a writer, that's cathartic, and it usually snaps me out of whatever funk I'm in. But this time, I feel I'm in pretty deep and I could use some help.
I know that not everyone prays, but I think everyone has a substitute -- meditating, candle-lighting, sending out white light -- what have you. I'm incredibly liberal when it comes to religion and belief systems and cross over into several myself and I believe the simple power of positive thoughts beaming a person's way can do wonders.
Can you beam some this way?
I've hesitated to write much about what I've been feeling these past few months. Part of it is my trying to maintain that positive outlook because I want this blog to be a welcome place for people to come and enjoy a moment of their day, find Pretty Things and leave feeling refreshed. It humbles and honors me to no end the number of people who visit. Follower numbers mean nothing. I look at the statistics behind the scene and there are so. very. many. silent readers and I'm blown away. I'm not sure what it is about this place, but I'm trying to keep it up.
I do have friends I've shared my fears with, friends who have been invaluable rocks to me. Some things I feel should NOT be put out in public, and my complete and forever thanks to those who've talked me down from the precipice. You know who you are, and without you, I wouldn't be maintaining.
So why am I here, writing this entry, putting out on the wild, wide, foreverness of the internet even a portion of my sorrows? Because I know I can't be the only one who feels scared and alone, and I want you ALL to know that you have a friend in me. We've never met, probably, but I do have an email in my profile, and it's there so you can use it. Sharing helps.
What I need prayers for first and foremost is my seven-year old little boy. I don't want to go into it because I believe that certain things are sacrosanct and shouldn't be blogged about. But I do need the prayers, especially today, so if you have the time, please pray for him.
Secondly, pray for me. For the past few months, my stress level has brought me to where I'm hanging on by a fast unraveling thread.
I think I have a certain level of OCD, and I like things to be in their place. Not lined up to a 90° angle on the table, but in their place. I about went nuts when our addition was being built, but it's been done since October, and thanks to Ashley Furniture, they've so royally messed up our furniture order they've ruined not just Thanksgiving but now will ruin Christmas by not delivering our furniture when they said they would. Corporate tells us one thing. Local tells us another. Both apparently are lying. Bottom line -- no furniture. So we have a mess STILL in this house, and it's making me twitchy and anxious and upset. And the only thing that has helped at ALL is hitting Twitter and getting Ashley Furniture Corporate's attention.
Then came two unexpected shows in December. I never do shows in December. Ever. I stop after Thanksgiving. But one show I always do had its date moved and I was personally invited to another, so there you go. And now my office is full of boxes up to my waist. The only room in the house that is normal is my bedroom. And I can't just up and abandon my family all day just because chaos and disorder upsets me. And no matter how I move the boxes around, it just results in a new pile of chaos. There's just no place to PUT anything.
Stress brings on headaches. My migraines are back with a vengeance. Click that link and you'll see what I'm up against. I FINALLY have an appointment in January with Johns Hopkins (I've been waiting since June) to see if they can help. But I also will have surgery for an unrelated matter scheduled around then, too. Moses pass the roses but when will this stop? I feel like I can't move without some part of me crapping out.
I can't show my stress due to Zack being so close to me. So I hide it. Hiding it makes me feel like a big ball of tears and tension. I don't have the time or the luxury of having a good cry because I have so. much. to do. There are appointments and deadlines and web updates and packages to ship and a house (such as it is) to clean for guests and Zack to worry about and I am losing my ever loving mind, and dear readers -- I'm afraid I'm going to snap in two.
Today is a Very Bad Day. Zack has a Very Important Day and I'm a mess. Yet I still have my responsibilities and none of them can be done by anyone else. And I'm falling apart.
I'll eventually be fine.
But I need your help. I need your prayers. Your white light. Your zen.
If you feel so inclined, I'd be forever in your debt. And trust that my heart is here for you should you ever need it. Even though we know each other only from words, my words are true from my heart.
I promise my future blogs will be back to normal.
Thank you for reading.
With much love, Lori