Sunday, January 04, 2009

How to Give a Cat a Pill

You may remember that I wrote about our older cat, Buddy, having feline diabetes. He gets one shot a day, and is lovely about it. Right on the dot of 4pm, he ambles into the kitchen, reminds us it's shot time, quietly takes it, then ambles back off to his nap.


Our other cat, Max, has just been diagnosed with a hyperactive thyroid, and now needs to take medication twice a day for the rest of his life. Fortunately, this will help him stop yakking and stop him from losing weight. Unfortunately, the medicine is in pill form. And oh yeah, Max is our fritzy-afraid-of-his-shadow cat.

Needless to say, it's been a rough time around here. Our pill-popper thingee the vet gave us doesn't pop the pill with enough force, and after a while ... well, chaos just takes over.

So Rick got on the internet to see if he could get some help. He found the following, which I thought was quite accurate. Please know:

1) I did not write this, and don't know who did.

2) I do not condone tying up cats and being rough with them.

3) I do not condone giving away household pets to the SPCA.

That being said, here's "How to Give a Cat a Pill"

How To Give Your Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot,drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air

7 comments:

  1. This is funny...I had the same problem...You can just hide it into something small that he LOVES! Make it a treat...it will work.
    Terisa
    There are "pill pockets" on the market too. Kind of a little cheese pocket you hide the pill into...but you can crate your own.

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  2. The cat part is great, but the dog part is hilarious.

    Nevertheless, this reminds me why I don't want pets. Getting children to eat their green veggies is tough enough.

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  3. Our problem is that he doesn't like anything! He's not a treat hound like Buddy is -- so there's nothing he loves. :-( Except snuggling, but that's not getting a pill down him.

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  4. Oh Lori, just be glad they're not suppositories...

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  5. Perfect timing, my mom just brought Sweet Pea home from the hospital, she has an upper respiratory issue and needs to take pills. But she's hardlly eating, poor little kitten has no body fat. We are going to try to put the pill in a spoonful of baby food, try that. When Sweet Pea wouldn't eat anything she ate the baby food when we spoon fed her. She liked the lamb and the turkey. Or chicken, one of those.

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  6. The Ugly Bag!!!! ;-) Smart cat.

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  7. My sister's cat has the same thing, of course, the poor thing is 17 years old on top of it! They make a new medication "pen". You dial up the dose and it releases the right amount of cream, and you apply it to the inside of their ears. How simple! I know it's relatively new...but ask your vet about it, could save a lot of grief!

    Carmen

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